En Route...

Well I just made it to lovely Shannon, Ireland...just a day later than I was supposed to. But hey, it wouldn't be a deployment if there wasn't constant screw ups like this hasn't been done before hundreds of times in the past 10 years.

I'm just coming down from a nasty upper respiratory infection that I caught apparently the minute I got on the bus to start this evolution. I haven't been this sick in years. So yeah, I've had to "suck it up" quite literally since my nose is running like a broke down faucet in the barracks. Not to mention the projectile vomit experience I had the first time we tried to board the plane, right before they made us get off because the aircraft had "hydraulic problems".

So once we returned back to the terminal I commenced to curling up in the fetal position for a few hours and then finally asking my friend Darrien to grab some meds and food for my Corporal and I--for those that do not know once we are put into holding prior to the flight we can't leave the area (at that time). So being the awesome friend that he is he hooked me up with some McNuggets and Cold and Flu meds.
Later they put us on base libbo but honestly I was too messed up to go anywhere, I only wished at the time I was smart enough to drag myself from the cold concrete floor so I could have went to the gym to take a shower.
I will make sure to include this in my after action report.
We stayed at the terminal all night, and we departed first thing this morning.
I've had a wave of different emotions hit me, because initially I felt fine, confident even about this fourth deployment, until I got so sick that I couldn't see straight. I called my mother and she said that even though I've tried not to worry or stress about going, that my body's defenses still shut down and allowed me to get so sick.
So yeah I got angry, frustrated, even wishing that the plane would explode on the flightline just so I didn't have to go....
But now I feel somewhat better and by constantly blowing all the thick snot out of my head it's beginning to clear up a bit. The reality is no matter if you're sick, healthy, hungover, negative, or optimistic--this deployment process will suck so just make the most of it.
I feel better already just doing this.
Next stop, Germany.

Down to the Wire.

No I haven't left yet...

I'm  here in NC, getting myself together, spending time with friends I made when I was stationed at Cherry Point and just enjoying everything about being here. This is the half- assed excuse as to why I haven't been blogging.

If anyone was wondering what happened between Crown and I when I told him I may be deploying for a year, you're in luck because I am going to reenact it right now:

Me: Babe I have to tell you about a change in my deployment.

Crown: Really? What is it?

Me: *Sigh* Alright, there is a possibility that I will be deployed an entire year, we may not be replaced at the 6 month mark and I will get to go home for two weeks, but I will have to go back. I can't tell you anything set in stone until July.

         Crown: *Silence*

         Me: *About to faint*

         Crown: Jen, thank you for being straightforward and honest, I wanted you to do that. Six months, a year--as of now I will be right here when you get back.

        Me: OMGoodness you are amazing babe, that's all I can ask of you.

Crown: I want you to understand that I have never been through this before, and I can't guarantee anything, but I'm going to try ok?

Me: I understand. If we can get through this, we can get through anything!

"AWWWWWWWW"

Yeah, that was right before we said "See ya later..." It rained so hard in VA that day, it was a struggle to drive back.

So I should be relieved right? Pretty happy and feeling extremely blessed that for ONCE I met a pretty great guy that although pretty nervous about it, thinks that I'm worth the wait and is willing to support me through a year long deployment.

Well I am. I just can't allow the typical self-sabotage type of thoughts to play through my head.

I feel like I did so much to keep us together to this point that he is going to have to do alot on his part as well---not really keeping score or trash like that, I mean communication will have to be GREAT between us--and I don't know if he really understands that.

When you deploy, all you do is think about what your friends and family are doing in the states, especially someone you're in a relationship with. If you don't hear from them you start to think all types of crazy things, then you freak yourself out, then when you finally get to speak to them you're pissed off about the whole scenario you created in your brain like it actually happened.

I got pissed off at him already about him taking two days to get some info to me because he kept forgetting--no I didn't blow up on him, I acted like it was no big deal because I realized it was silly to start an argument.

But I still have it in my head if it's hard when I'm still here, how will it be when I'm on the other side of the World?

Well enough of that. I decided that instead of focusing on what I don't want to happen, I will use my energy thinking about what I want to happen in my life.

When I deploy, I will be focused on when I'm not being the best scribe I can be (*ugh*) I will be working on my Bachelor's Degree, "Operation Prison Swole" with my Cpl (more to come on this mission), going to church, some ideas I want to flesh out, and this blog. I definitely am going to take the MEF Sergeant Major's quote "Go and grow" to heart. I intend on coming back better than when I left. Staff Sergeant or not. I just want to be a better me--and not get wrapped up in how others think I should be.

This is going to be freakin' insane.

Women Deploy TOO!!!

Even after a good workout I'm still a little annoyed by something so obvious yet so ignored by the military as a whole that I knew earlier today that I was going to discuss it.

Women in the military deploy.

Now I know you are saying well freakin' duh. Where are you getting at?

My complaint is if you google anything on how to handle your personal life (relationships) to prepare for a deployment, it always goes back to female spouses dealing with male servicemembers.

I freakin' get that female spouses are the majority but seriously....NOT one article about how to talk to your male spouse or significant other about deploying??

Upon my search I found two upsetting articles on how females have a higher divorce rate than males in the military, even though it's pretty crude and I would slap the author if I saw them in the street...but they had a point.  We as women still today are looked at like we should be the ones at home ALL THE TIME, and the man should go off to war...it's just not normal....

Well the reality is this...

We ain't going anywhere...really. "Molly Marine Statue"

So why did this just pop in to my head you are wondering right about now....
Well I have a "significant other"....which is still hard for me to believe, since it has been quite difficult to maintain a relationship. I affectionately call him "Crown" because not only it's the meaning behind his name, but he also makes me feel like a Queen.

AWWWWWWWWWWW. Shut up.

Anyways, he knows about my deployment of course, but he has been under the impression that I will be going for only 6 months...while now it could be up to a year. I honestly have no idea yet. I have told my family and friends to prepare for a year but I have not told him yet. In fact, I never intended to. I planned on telling him half way that I got "extended". Why did I plan on doing that? Fear of losing him I guess.
The reality is that it is most likely for a woman to stay committed to a guy for such a long deployment than it is for a man to. Now I'm not saying that there aren't some dirty skank skeezers out there, but let's be real with ourselves.
Women think that this is an investment and that if they stick my their man the guy will appreciate it and marry them.
Men freak the hell out and dwell on the length of time they will have to go without physical contact...aka "nookie".
Also what others fail to understand that men worry and have the same questions and fears about their girlfriends and spouses getting hurt or dying out there, but they go through those feelings differently and will not willingly seek help like women do. They get ignored because they are "men"--who expects them to stress out and be upset while their woman is gone??
Crown has been quite different though, he did initially freak out, but he has been so very supportive of me and it looks like he's going to stick around....
But I have no idea what is going to happen when I tell him about the year.

I blame my uncle who is a Army Vet, Korean War era, who told me about his first wife and how he hid stuff from her, thinking that it was protecting their relationship.

"...if you feel the need to hide anything from the one you care about, then maybe they aren't the right one for you...if he cares for you, then he will stay by you..."

Because I know that my uncle is the only one other than my mother that has always been right to me in giving me guidance, I will tell him everything.

But it just sucks that there is no step-by-step guidance for this situation...
So after this weekend I will make one, so that no one will feel as confused and scared as I do right now.
I hope my plan works...