14 March 2011

Down to the Wire.

No I haven't left yet...

I'm  here in NC, getting myself together, spending time with friends I made when I was stationed at Cherry Point and just enjoying everything about being here. This is the half- assed excuse as to why I haven't been blogging.

If anyone was wondering what happened between Crown and I when I told him I may be deploying for a year, you're in luck because I am going to reenact it right now:

Me: Babe I have to tell you about a change in my deployment.
Crown: Really? What is it?
Me: *Sigh* Alright, there is a possibility that I will be deployed an entire year, we may not be replaced at the 6 month mark and I will get to go home for two weeks, but I will have to go back. I can't tell you anything set in stone until July.
         Crown: *Silence*
         Me: *About to faint*
         Crown: Jen, thank you for being straightforward and honest, I wanted you to do that. Six months, a year--as of now I will be right here when you get back.
        Me: OMGoodness you are amazing babe, that's all I can ask of you.
Crown: I want you to understand that I have never been through this before, and I can't guarantee anything, but I'm going to try ok?
Me: I understand. If we can get through this, we can get through anything!


Yeah, that was right before we said "See ya later..." It rained so hard in VA that day, it was a struggle to drive back.

So I should be relieved right? Pretty happy and feeling extremely blessed that for ONCE I met a pretty great guy that although pretty nervous about it, thinks that I'm worth the wait and is willing to support me through a year long deployment.
Well I am. I just can't allow the typical self-sabotage type of thoughts to play through my head.
I feel like I did so much to keep us together to this point that he is going to have to do alot on his part as well---not really keeping score or trash like that, I mean communication will have to be GREAT between us--and I don't know if he really understands that.
When you deploy, all you do is think about what your friends and family are doing in the states, especially someone you're in a relationship with. If you don't hear from them you start to think all types of crazy things, then you freak yourself out, then when you finally get to speak to them you're pissed off about the whole scenario you created in your brain like it actually happened.
I got pissed off at him already about him taking two days to get some info to me because he kept forgetting--no I didn't blow up on him, I acted like it was no big deal because I realized it was silly to start an argument.
But I still have it in my head if it's hard when I'm still here, how will it be when I'm on the other side of the World?

Well enough of that. I decided that instead of focusing on what I don't want to happen, I will use my energy thinking about what I want to happen in my life.

When I deploy, I will be focused on when I'm not being the best scribe I can be (*ugh*) I will be working on my Bachelor's Degree, "Operation Prison Swole" with my Cpl (more to come on this mission), going to church, some ideas I want to flesh out, and this blog. I definitely am going to take the MEF Sergeant Major's quote "Go and grow" to heart. I intend on coming back better than when I left. Staff Sergeant or not. I just want to be a better me--and not get wrapped up in how others think I should be.

This is going to be freakin' insane.

1 comment:

David said...

Sara and I are always here to support you. If you need anything let me know.