Late Night Musings...

This is going to be random, off the top of my head thoughts because I just don't have it in me to formulate something more professional looking I guess, so deal with it.

• I don't even know how I feel anymore, I have literally went through the grieving process. I'm just on auto pilot to get through the day.
• To survive the monotony I have still been going to the gym religiously, however I don't know if there are any positive results, except that I know I will never be in danger of looking bad at anything physically challenging again.
• I'm going to get a personal trainer cert when I get back, just don't know which one...
• I am finishing up on my college classes with A's so I can't wait to be able to send that up in my record...trying not to think about the promotion board but it's been hard. I'm just trying to stay positive about it and not dwell on it.
• A Bachelor's looks really good on a resume' with 12 years of faithful service and 4 combat deployments...
• I start more classes next month.
• I started going to church, it helps...until some nasty loser tries to talk to me and almost causes me to do something un christianlike in God's house...bless them.
• I still haven't gotten a relaxer and I don't think I will when I get back...I'm digging the waves. I need to finally embrace after all these years what people have made me hate myself for.  I'm learning more about my natural hair every day.
• I miss my guy...is he still my guy? Such is the life of a Marine right?
• I am so full of plans right now for when I get back, I'm just scared that I will fall into the procrastinating rut I was in prior to this "experience".
• I still don't miss smoking, but I'm so scared about weight gain that if I miss a workout I'm mad at myself all day. I know it's insane. Oh well.
• I'm sick of eating almost the exact same crap everyday. But at least I have semi-fresh crap and not hardly any crap like my guys that are out in the dirt.
• I just want blue jeans, a semi offensive tee and my Chuck Taylors. That would be awesome.
• I am going to burn these cammies when I get home...seriously, they will be unserviceable anyway so they will make a great starter to a little bonfire in my back yard. 
• I miss my cat.
• I maybe home before Halloween...
• If not I may snap...
• Who am I kidding, I half expect to be stuck here for two years only because that would be my luck, lol. 
• Still a Sgt...well in actuality a scribe.
• With a rifle that's way too big for me that ruined my fucking cammies that I will burn. 
• I want real bacon.
• I want a real hug, a kiss, some freakin' affection from someone that I miss that hasn't said since I left that they miss me.
• I'm sadistic, can't you tell?
• I need to leave work....wish this page would work at the can...crappy foreign Internet provider...

Yeah, told you it was a mess, and this is pretty much in my head the majority of the day, every day.  

A much needed visit....

Disclaimer:
For my non-religious readers, sorry, this will happen time to time--just take the positive message from this and keep it moving.

Today I decided to attend the Gospel Service here on base...I was a little biased about it because I wasn't willing to walk the half a mile back from work in the middle of the day in the heat for a service that might end up being a hooting and hollering session. Now don't get me wrong, I love praise and worship, but if it crosses over to the everyone singing in tounges on cue then stopping and people dropping to the floor acting a fool and then the second they get out they're cussing and trying to flirt with each other then I can't deal with it.

Fortunately I had 6 people convince me that it's not like that and insisted that I attend...actually it was a fellow Sergeant that said he would beat me up if I didn't go so I felt very happy that he was so insisting that I go get the word.

Anyone who's deployed and went to church knows it's probably in a wooden building, with the basic church decorations...but how this room was built it almost reminded me of the old school churches from my hometown, like the one I went to right before I deployed.
It is refreshing to see many men and women of color, of all ranks and services all together in one room...there were other nationalities as well, but I rarely get to see a lot of black Servicemembers in one place. I know it shouldn't be a race thing, but sorry, sometimes it is. Depending on who the black people are I'm either really comfortable or embarassed--this was extremely comfortable, everyone was so pleasant and nice until--

I almost wanted to leave because I saw the disgusting MSgt that cat-called me when I was going to the gym one night right when I got here--but I learned a long time ago that even the devil is in the church so don't get discouraged and act like they do...so I acknoledged him by rank and went up to the front with the Sgt who threatned to beat me up---at least I know no one will mess with me when I'm with him.

The choir was pretty good, the sermon was exactly what I needed--"The Power of Perpetual Thanksgiving"--Luke 17: 11-19, the story of the Good Samaritan.

I have stated since I been here to others that God meant for me to be here...but I still went around acting angry, upset and just all around unpleasant to be near sometimes.
If I am supposedly grateful to have the opportunity to better myself--Jennifer, not Sgt Jones--shouldn't I not just say it but show it though my actions? I wonder why I've had such a horrible week, a horrible couple of months, because I'm trying to fight this fight myself and do everything by myself when I've always known that I can't and never will succeed unless I allow God in my life completely to handle all the difficulties that come my way. When I do, I am ignoring the sacrifice of the Lord Jesus Christ--He died for my sins, my pains, and my struggles--the least I can do is acknowledge it and be positive that everything will go the way I need them to be. For real, not just as a front to others.
I have truly been a hypocrite and I asked God for forgiveness today and I received Communion asking Him to wash this intense hatred I've had over everything, this doubt that everything is going to be bad when I get back, that the one I really care about will not be there for me and I will be alone again...I gave all that to Him and I feel whole again.
For the first time since I've been here. I truly feel peaceful.  Praise God.

Week in review.

So I had my very first breakdown of the deployment this past week.
After I did my weigh-in, which I did fine, didn't have to be taped or anything...because of my idiotic decision to start a new thermogenic right after taking one for over 6 weeks, I ended up having the crazy side effect of retaining so much water that my whole body was swollen, including my face for 3 whole days. No, there's no picture for you to laugh at, trust me it would have made my mother cry. So after drinking almost 50 bottles of this nasty water, I completely flushed out my system and almost back to normal. Too bad without the thermogenic I feel hungry every second of the day and I feel weaker at my workouts...oh well, no more of that crap for me for at least the whole month if not more.

But while going through all of this I think my emotions swelled right along with my face because I just felt miserable. I couldn't be positive to save my life, no matter how much people tried to cheer me up. I also felt ugly--yes, I know that's almost impossible for me to feel that way about myself after all these years but I felt almost like I did when I was in school. Especially when I am having issues keeping this hair under control.
I felt like I was drowing from the inside out and my whole body was about to explode.

Someone here did a good job of pulling me out of it...he's a good guy, pretty much the only one here that can make me smile no matter how angry or crappy I feel.
Don't get it twisted, my desert goggles aren't on I still can't wait to get home and straighten things out there but it's just nice to know you have someone that actually cares about your well being and is here. Not back in the states where it's like another world.

But yeah I feel much better now and I will chop this week up as a miss and put it in the past. I have many things to be grateful for and Operation Prison Swole will still go on! I have tweaked my workout a bit and hopefully next week I will have some progress pics...and I will post my current routine. I'm on week 6 of my college assignments and I have an A avg in both of them.
I really should be counting my blessings that I have the opportunity to better myself while I am out here, and I will not take it for granted anymore.
But this place still sucks. A lot.
Peace out homies. If you haven't gotten in touch with me yet, you suck. For the ones I haven't hit back up...I will tomorrow, ok? Love ya!

Pushing it out of my mind...

Just finished my college assignments that I realized had a due date of the 28th...they are usually due on Sundays but I guess it's because of Memorial Day holiday.
Well I will be celebrating Monday in the best way I could think of, being here in lovely Afghanistan.
Yes my sarcasm is thick and so are my swollen fingers from typing like a mad person all day.
I can't really complain, I got to work on my assignments all day and it got my mind off what has been bothering me the past couple of days.

The message came out for the SSgt board. There are 5 allocations this year.

I guess after getting passed over twice I get somewhat apprehensive about this subject.
I think I've went into it before, and that is why I am here now. I'm too lazy to look for when I did so you're either going to have to trust me or look it up yourself, sorry.

I realized while being here that I beat myself up over it way too much to the point that it wasn't healthy at all. I almost began to hate myself and lose my Crown that I care so much about.
I know that I learned my lesson and I have literally done all I can do to convince a board that I am deserving of becoming a SSgt.
If they still pass me over, oh the hell well...just keep it moving and continue to do all the great things that I have been doing and to focus more on myself.
I feel like I found Jennifer again, yes in the desert.
I have renewed passions that I forgot that I was even interested in.
I now grew an infatuation with physical fitness and nutrition and would like to get certified to help others.
I am becoming stronger than I ever been, inside and out.
I can't wait to go home and just live life for me, and put the Marine Corps in the category that it needs to be sometimes, as just a job.
I can't live, eat, sleep, breathe and shit this stuff anymore.  It gave me diarhea and insomnia and the food is terrible. *Figuratively, not literally*

I'm aware of all of this now, but I have been so hurt lately by the sheer doubt that I will get it this year, after everything that I have done to show that I'm a good Marine. I'm scared how I may react. I'm scared that maybe I just don't have what it takes, that maybe all of what I considered simple mistakes that I have made in my career, really are as bad as the last two boards made it out to be--I'm undeserving of the priveledge to be a SSgt and I should be pushed out of the Marine Corps.
I know, I know, I know. But that's just how I feel.
But I won't tomorrow because this isn't being brought up again until the results come out in September.
God knows I've done all I can do and I have to have faith that things will truly work out the way I need them to be--no matter what happens.
I'm out of here.

Musings and a Special Request...

So I sit here at least 5 times a day and quietly pray to myself that soon I will hear that I will get to go home soon. I realized a minute ago, well what in the hell am I coming home to?? I don't mean me personally, but there has been a lot of foolishness and chaos going on over there. I feel so terrible for those people in Missouri who has had their lives torn apart by that tornado...these natural disasters are coming crazy at the US isn't it? But wait, we did dodge a bullet--wasn't it supposed to be the end of the world or some shit Saturday?

Uh, no offense Gentlemen, but none of you are who I would like to spend my last day here on Earth with.  -Me saying that to all of my officers at work

Then The Terminator got a kid on the side and Macho Man Randy Savage getting killed?? Oh my goodness.
I feel like I'm on the outside just watching a crazy television show with random plots, twists and turns...then I have to turn it off and focus on my reality here in Afghanistan.

About my hair...well I did decide that I am going to continue to grow out my natural hair and see if I can stand a transition, it's been almost 6 months now so let's see if I can stand another 6...and no, I am absolutely not doing a Big Chop (cutting off all of my relaxed hair). Yeah it's harder to deal with but I will manage...it would be harder to deal with the biased opinions of Marines and me with a short afro...besides, I don't want my hair short, it's at the middle of APL right now...so I'll just trim once a month and let it grow out and once the new growth is at APL I'll get rid of the rest. It's doable I have done PLENTY of research and I'm still not done. Fortunately for me, because of the conditions of this place I had exactly the products I needed to take care of natural hair, lol.

So I am taking college out here and for one of my classes I needed to conduct a survey.

I am currently conducting a survey on the perception of women with tattoos. Tattooing has been accepted for the most part as a social norm in America, however there are still mixed views on women who decides to get tattoos. I personally have tattoos and have received accolades and borderline insults from different people for making the choice to mark my body permanently. I am curious to see the many views on this subject based on gender, age, nationality and religious affiliation (if any).  The results will be calculated and documented in an Inquiry and Argument Essay for my Composition class. All will remain anonymous. Thank you for your participation.

Here's the link: http://kwiksurveys.com?u=WomenwithTattoos 

Please post this on your FBs for others to answer, I still don't have everyday access to that site so please pass the word for me!

That's about it for now, I need to get back to the can, do some reading and get to bed!

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