27 May 2011

Pushing it out of my mind...

Just finished my college assignments that I realized had a due date of the 28th...they are usually due on Sundays but I guess it's because of Memorial Day holiday.
Well I will be celebrating Monday in the best way I could think of, being here in lovely Afghanistan.
Yes my sarcasm is thick and so are my swollen fingers from typing like a mad person all day.
I can't really complain, I got to work on my assignments all day and it got my mind off what has been bothering me the past couple of days.

The message came out for the SSgt board. There are 5 allocations this year.

I guess after getting passed over twice I get somewhat apprehensive about this subject.
I think I've went into it before, and that is why I am here now. I'm too lazy to look for when I did so you're either going to have to trust me or look it up yourself, sorry.

I realized while being here that I beat myself up over it way too much to the point that it wasn't healthy at all. I almost began to hate myself and lose my Crown that I care so much about.
I know that I learned my lesson and I have literally done all I can do to convince a board that I am deserving of becoming a SSgt.
If they still pass me over, oh the hell well...just keep it moving and continue to do all the great things that I have been doing and to focus more on myself.
I feel like I found Jennifer again, yes in the desert.
I have renewed passions that I forgot that I was even interested in.
I now grew an infatuation with physical fitness and nutrition and would like to get certified to help others.
I am becoming stronger than I ever been, inside and out.
I can't wait to go home and just live life for me, and put the Marine Corps in the category that it needs to be sometimes, as just a job.
I can't live, eat, sleep, breathe and shit this stuff anymore.  It gave me diarhea and insomnia and the food is terrible. *Figuratively, not literally*

I'm aware of all of this now, but I have been so hurt lately by the sheer doubt that I will get it this year, after everything that I have done to show that I'm a good Marine. I'm scared how I may react. I'm scared that maybe I just don't have what it takes, that maybe all of what I considered simple mistakes that I have made in my career, really are as bad as the last two boards made it out to be--I'm undeserving of the priveledge to be a SSgt and I should be pushed out of the Marine Corps.
I know, I know, I know. But that's just how I feel.
But I won't tomorrow because this isn't being brought up again until the results come out in September.
God knows I've done all I can do and I have to have faith that things will truly work out the way I need them to be--no matter what happens.
I'm out of here.

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