27 May 2011

Pushing it out of my mind...

Just finished my college assignments that I realized had a due date of the 28th...they are usually due on Sundays but I guess it's because of Memorial Day holiday.
Well I will be celebrating Monday in the best way I could think of, being here in lovely Afghanistan.
Yes my sarcasm is thick and so are my swollen fingers from typing like a mad person all day.
I can't really complain, I got to work on my assignments all day and it got my mind off what has been bothering me the past couple of days.

The message came out for the SSgt board. There are 5 allocations this year.

I guess after getting passed over twice I get somewhat apprehensive about this subject.
I think I've went into it before, and that is why I am here now. I'm too lazy to look for when I did so you're either going to have to trust me or look it up yourself, sorry.

I realized while being here that I beat myself up over it way too much to the point that it wasn't healthy at all. I almost began to hate myself and lose my Crown that I care so much about.
I know that I learned my lesson and I have literally done all I can do to convince a board that I am deserving of becoming a SSgt.
If they still pass me over, oh the hell well...just keep it moving and continue to do all the great things that I have been doing and to focus more on myself.
I feel like I found Jennifer again, yes in the desert.
I have renewed passions that I forgot that I was even interested in.
I now grew an infatuation with physical fitness and nutrition and would like to get certified to help others.
I am becoming stronger than I ever been, inside and out.
I can't wait to go home and just live life for me, and put the Marine Corps in the category that it needs to be sometimes, as just a job.
I can't live, eat, sleep, breathe and shit this stuff anymore.  It gave me diarhea and insomnia and the food is terrible. *Figuratively, not literally*

I'm aware of all of this now, but I have been so hurt lately by the sheer doubt that I will get it this year, after everything that I have done to show that I'm a good Marine. I'm scared how I may react. I'm scared that maybe I just don't have what it takes, that maybe all of what I considered simple mistakes that I have made in my career, really are as bad as the last two boards made it out to be--I'm undeserving of the priveledge to be a SSgt and I should be pushed out of the Marine Corps.
I know, I know, I know. But that's just how I feel.
But I won't tomorrow because this isn't being brought up again until the results come out in September.
God knows I've done all I can do and I have to have faith that things will truly work out the way I need them to be--no matter what happens.
I'm out of here.

24 May 2011

Musings and a Special Request...

So I sit here at least 5 times a day and quietly pray to myself that soon I will hear that I will get to go home soon. I realized a minute ago, well what in the hell am I coming home to?? I don't mean me personally, but there has been a lot of foolishness and chaos going on over there. I feel so terrible for those people in Missouri who has had their lives torn apart by that tornado...these natural disasters are coming crazy at the US isn't it? But wait, we did dodge a bullet--wasn't it supposed to be the end of the world or some shit Saturday?
Uh, no offense Gentlemen, but none of you are who I would like to spend my last day here on Earth with.  -Me saying that to all of my officers at work
Then The Terminator got a kid on the side and Macho Man Randy Savage getting killed?? Oh my goodness.
I feel like I'm on the outside just watching a crazy television show with random plots, twists and turns...then I have to turn it off and focus on my reality here in Afghanistan.

About my hair...well I did decide that I am going to continue to grow out my natural hair and see if I can stand a transition, it's been almost 6 months now so let's see if I can stand another 6...and no, I am absolutely not doing a Big Chop (cutting off all of my relaxed hair). Yeah it's harder to deal with but I will manage...it would be harder to deal with the biased opinions of Marines and me with a short afro...besides, I don't want my hair short, it's at the middle of APL right now...so I'll just trim once a month and let it grow out and once the new growth is at APL I'll get rid of the rest. It's doable I have done PLENTY of research and I'm still not done. Fortunately for me, because of the conditions of this place I had exactly the products I needed to take care of natural hair, lol.

So I am taking college out here and for one of my classes I needed to conduct a survey.

I am currently conducting a survey on the perception of women with tattoos. Tattooing has been accepted for the most part as a social norm in America, however there are still mixed views on women who decides to get tattoos. I personally have tattoos and have received accolades and borderline insults from different people for making the choice to mark my body permanently. I am curious to see the many views on this subject based on gender, age, nationality and religious affiliation (if any).  The results will be calculated and documented in an Inquiry and Argument Essay for my Composition class. All will remain anonymous. Thank you for your participation.

Here's the link: http://kwiksurveys.com?u=WomenwithTattoos 

Please post this on your FBs for others to answer, I still don't have everyday access to that site so please pass the word for me!

That's about it for now, I need to get back to the can, do some reading and get to bed!


22 May 2011

Talk about upset...

So after 8 here I can use Blogger on my work computer...FML....well I guess I'll be able to catch everyone up with what's going on with me, lol.

I have done a little blogging on Sparkpeople.com about my workout regimen, but I haven't really written down about anything else that has happened.

To me a little more thorough with my earlier update, the bottom line is that I'm not upset anymore about this situation. I have done a lot of soul searching and I realized that this is where I need to be at this moment in my life.

Now why in the hell would I want to be in Afghanistan you ask? Especially when I'm not doing the job I love and I don't go out the wire and I'm confined to an office all freakin' day?

Well it's here that I was able to turn away from my most difficult vices: eating nasty foods and smoking. During my times of extreme boredom I rediscovered my passion for a lot of things that I used to do and what I always wanted to try but I put it all on the backburner for the "sake of my career." I don't think I have ever pushed myself so physically ever except when I was in boot camp. I am under my max weight and although I am not near my goal of 120 pounds yet, I am loving how my body is changing and I feel freakin' young again. I'm also working on revamping myself, I need to be more optimistic and I just need that oomph to get me going again in life, I have some amazing goals that I intend on accomplishing...so amazing I will dedicate a post to each.

But what about your guy?

I knew that he more than likely wouldn't be able to deal with me being deployed, and honestly I expected too much out of him...not to sound mean but you have to be a strong civilian to deal with a spouse/significant other being on deployment...I think he would of had a better chance if he was in love with me...but he isn't.
And I wasn't in love either...so even though I hope and pray that we can overcome this and keep our relationship going when I get back...at this moment--I have better things to focus on.

Also I have some WONDERFUL friends and family that have done AMAZING things to support me thoughout this deployment so far...of course my mother and my cousin Monique as always, but I will say that my friend Eddie has gone above and beyond to make sure I'm comfortable, from sending me chicken and tuna so I can have healthy proteins, to sending me a freakin' kettlebell that I can use while I'm at work! I thank God everyday for having a friend like him.

So yeah, my outlook has changed drastically and I know I can get through this deployment, no matter how long it is...
But it will be the last one.

No, I didn't fall off!

Yeah, I know it's been quite a while since anyone has heard from me...
Well WiFi here was a big disappointment, there still isn't any where I live at. And the internet I use at work doesn't take kindly to Marines who want to blog I guess, so this site is blocked. So I'm using a couple of minutes while I load up a video for my college class to give everyone a quick update...

*Yes it sucks here and yes I'm a secretary.
*I have stayed consistent with Operation Prison Swole and has seen major improvements in strength and my body, slowly and steadily.
*I have learned to be disciplined when it comes to my eating habits and now I'm pretty comfortable with turning away from junk food or bacon.
*I haven't smoked in a month.
*I may transition my hair to fully natural while I'm out here, next month I was supposed to relax my hair, now I'm not so sure if I want to.
*I still have no idea when I'm leaving here.
*I should have just came here single because I'm definitely leaving here single, lol. With that, there's nothing I can do here about it so I don't focus on it.

That's about it in a nutshell, I'm focusing on myself to prevent this environment from driving me absolutely insane. If you want to email me and check up it's best if you use this address: shestaysdeployed@gmail.com
Seriously. I know there's no need for email anymore since facebook but I don't get to check mine 10 times a day anymore!! But seriously, hit me up on that because fortunately that's not banned as well.

Until next time...