05 June 2011

A much needed visit....

For my non-religious readers, sorry, this will happen time to time--just take the positive message from this and keep it moving.
Today I decided to attend the Gospel Service here on base...I was a little biased about it because I wasn't willing to walk the half a mile back from work in the middle of the day in the heat for a service that might end up being a hooting and hollering session. Now don't get me wrong, I love praise and worship, but if it crosses over to the everyone singing in tounges on cue then stopping and people dropping to the floor acting a fool and then the second they get out they're cussing and trying to flirt with each other then I can't deal with it.

Fortunately I had 6 people convince me that it's not like that and insisted that I attend...actually it was a fellow Sergeant that said he would beat me up if I didn't go so I felt very happy that he was so insisting that I go get the word.

Anyone who's deployed and went to church knows it's probably in a wooden building, with the basic church decorations...but how this room was built it almost reminded me of the old school churches from my hometown, like the one I went to right before I deployed.
It is refreshing to see many men and women of color, of all ranks and services all together in one room...there were other nationalities as well, but I rarely get to see a lot of black Servicemembers in one place. I know it shouldn't be a race thing, but sorry, sometimes it is. Depending on who the black people are I'm either really comfortable or embarassed--this was extremely comfortable, everyone was so pleasant and nice until--

I almost wanted to leave because I saw the disgusting MSgt that cat-called me when I was going to the gym one night right when I got here--but I learned a long time ago that even the devil is in the church so don't get discouraged and act like they do...so I acknoledged him by rank and went up to the front with the Sgt who threatned to beat me up---at least I know no one will mess with me when I'm with him.

The choir was pretty good, the sermon was exactly what I needed--"The Power of Perpetual Thanksgiving"--Luke 17: 11-19, the story of the Good Samaritan.

I have stated since I been here to others that God meant for me to be here...but I still went around acting angry, upset and just all around unpleasant to be near sometimes.
If I am supposedly grateful to have the opportunity to better myself--Jennifer, not Sgt Jones--shouldn't I not just say it but show it though my actions? I wonder why I've had such a horrible week, a horrible couple of months, because I'm trying to fight this fight myself and do everything by myself when I've always known that I can't and never will succeed unless I allow God in my life completely to handle all the difficulties that come my way. When I do, I am ignoring the sacrifice of the Lord Jesus Christ--He died for my sins, my pains, and my struggles--the least I can do is acknowledge it and be positive that everything will go the way I need them to be. For real, not just as a front to others.
I have truly been a hypocrite and I asked God for forgiveness today and I received Communion asking Him to wash this intense hatred I've had over everything, this doubt that everything is going to be bad when I get back, that the one I really care about will not be there for me and I will be alone again...I gave all that to Him and I feel whole again.
For the first time since I've been here. I truly feel peaceful.  Praise God.

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