12 January 2011

I'm tapping out...

I give up.

I'm sick of fighting about my current situation.

Tonight I have been going through my things so they will be ready for the move next month since I will be leaving for NC next week for some training exercise, and I have been so reluctant to do so. This is the first deployment that I have a very uneasy feeling about.

Without going too much into what my job is...what I will say is that the role I will be playing in is more like a secretary (or in USMC terms a "Scribe") and that is a major demotion from what I have been in the past. No, I didn't do anything wrong, well I trusted that senior Marines wouldn't lie and set me up to go to a place where I will not get to do Combat Camera, which I love.

But that story is for another time.
The focus of this entry is to come to terms with everything because I have allowed myself to lose focus of everything that I have been working so hard for the past year. So here it is:

1. I'm going to Afghanistan as the only enlisted in a team of 3 officers (I'm not going to even start with that issue)...
2. It may very well be a year cause no one still can give me an answer (my last deployment was a year, but at least I was a leader and I loved my job and my team)
3. I'm losing my house and if I do not get promoted, I will end up in a tiny apartment or have to get a roommate (I HATE roommates)
4. I got to let my guy go because there's no way I can expect him to wait for me, especially if it is a year deployment.

So for those who have been wondering why I have been so upset, so negative, so dismal about everything--it fucking sucks to have so much on your shoulders and have pretty much no support, to get everything thrown onto you at once and you don't have anyone to turn to--well professionally at least. The one person that has helped me maintain sanity, someone that has made me smile when all I wanted to do was cry...I got to let go.
But hey, this is the life I choose. Suck it up or get out right?
I can't be happy right now, but I have to at least stay frosty.

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