What the HELL happened to me?!?!

Well, after 3 weeks of absolute hell in NC for training for this upcoming deployment...I think I'm actually feeling better...
It just took me shutting out everyone and almost causing my guy to give up on me for me to realize that I'm not in this alone...

I know that this probably goes against some USMC "code" but I will let y'all in on a lil' secret...
I DON'T WANT TO GO ON THIS DEPLOYMENT!!

Now, before you allow your stereotypes to lash out unjustly hear me out....
1. Instead of doing the job that I LOVE (COMBAT CAMERA) which would put me out the wire and into the fight, as much as possible, and I will document history and all the wonderful things our Marines, Sailors and Soldiers are accomplishing out there...
2. I will be a fobbit. What's a fobbit you ask? Well I'll tell ya. I will never leave the wire, I will never see any action, my cammies will never get dirty. I'm stuck on a base.
3. But why should I be upset? Lots of Marines would love to have that opportunity...well those bitches can switch with me any day...
4. What's worse...I am a secretary...what Marines call a "Scribe"...I take notes, I plot PowerPoint slides, I try to put input into this whole Information Operations thing (which is a whole other blog post to explain what the hell that job is) and maybe 10% of the time what I said even mattered.

Now for the longest, I fought, I cursed, I cried about being stuck at having to do this. I mean this shit is BENEATH ME. I kept replaying in my mind how I ended up in this situation...and it all goes back to January 2010--I'll go into that another day...

What I'm getting at is that I can't allow this to eat me up inside anymore because it's not only affecting myself pretty badly, it's hurting my family, my friends, and my guy.

After Saturday night, I have a lot of making up to do...when I should have been over the moon to see him and spend so much time with him after not seeing him for almost a month...I let my sad feelings of when I go I will probably lose him ruin our time together. The jacked up part is that I didn't even say anything--
he read it on my face.
Then he proceeded to go off on me, stating that while I'm here miserable and being negative I'm missing out on all the good times we could be having together...that the only time he thinks about us not being together is when I initiate the thought...and 6 months isn't a long time at all...

Little does he know...

I will admit. I am hard headed. I am stubborn, and yes, I need a kick in the butt to wake up.
He woke me up. Finally.
I just gotta also accept the consequences of taking so long to get out of this funk. Lord help me.